humanity yearns for acceptance

i keep running into people that tell me I'm not afraid to be who i am, but they are wrong. just like every other person on this earth, i strive for acceptance, not by wearing name brand clothing, but by being different. i have a different way of thinking about things, so i learned early that fancy clothes and friends in high places wont get me anywhere, so i created my own action plan- and so far its working. i do hesitate to be myself, and just because my cover up story is different from everyone else's, doesn't mean its any truer. my "weirdness" is just another reality shield; nobody is truly "weird," Ive asked them. all the people i know that others consider to be strange have told me that they are that way on purpose, and i dint blame them- its a very safe place to be- despite what most people think, people dint make fun of us, a number of people actually admire the misfits. this is an international problem; a missionary i met from Ukraine told me that his niece asked him to buy her some fancy American tennis shoes while he was in the states so that she could fit in better (sound familiar?). i guess in a way, i am afraid to be who i am; the parts of me that do not exceed ordinary, i hide. to pick a random example- chick flicks, all girls like chick flicks deep down, because its their nature, but if someone didn't want to be like all girls, they would pretend they didn't like them. i dint really have a good closing sentence, so... The End.

the beautiful letdown

there are a number of people that i used to percieve as "perfect", not perfect as in they dont make mistakes, but that they are where i want to be in life- good role models. but in the last few weeks God has been showing me that none of them are good role models. its a slow and painful process, but i know how good it is for me. despite previous letdowns i keep trying to find other people that fit my bill, but i just cant. i geuss God is trying to show me that Jesus is the only perfect role model- wich i knew all allong in the back of my head, but am just now really understanding- but that still doesn't seem to satify my human need to find other people to admire. oh well, ill figure it out one day.

Welcome, Mrs. Burn!

This is my blog. All my secret observations on life, and just everyday teenage existence get jotted down here. I really thought that you would enjoy reading and commenting on my postings, because, well, I don't know why, I just thought you would. Until now, only my parents knew about this place but I thought if anyone would appreciate it, it would be you. Feel free to look back as far as you like, and please comment on anything that piques your interest, I love to get comments (good or bad). I update my blog on average about once a week, so there is almost always a new post. I'm really excited about adding another reader my list. Have fun!

Relational Christianty vs. Philosophical Christianity

everybody always says that I'm so spiritual and stuff, but really I'm not, not in the relational sense of the word i mean. I really enjoy the philosophical side of Christianity, but I'm still struggling to grasp the whole relationship thing. I think that's why no one is really a professional christian, because you can never master a relationship. there are lots of so called "religious scholars", that are very academically accomplished in terms of the Bible, but i dont think anyone can ever really be superior to anyone in the Christian world

"Oh my God" Jars of Clay

Oh my God, look around this place

Your fingers reach around the bone

You set the break and set the tone

Flights of grace, and future falls

In present pain

All fools say, "Oh my God"

.

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?

We make it worse when we don't bleed

There is no cure for our disease

Turn a phrase, and rise again

Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend

Oh my God.

.

Oh my God, can I complain?

You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief

Weddings, boats and alibis

All drift away, and a mother cries

.

Liars and fools; sons and failures

Thieves will always say

Lost and found; ailing wanderers

Healers always say

Whores and angels; men with problems

Leavers always say

Broken hearted; separated

Orphans always say

War creators; racial haters

Preachers always say

Distant fathers; fallen warriors

Givers always say

Pilgrim saints; lonely widows

Users always say

Fearful mothers; watchful doubters

Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive

And these days, mercy cuts so deep

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep

While I lay, I dream we're better,

Scales were gone and faces light

When we wake, we hate our brother

We still move to hurt each other

Sometimes I can close my eyes,

And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,

What makes me so badly bent?

We all have a chance to murder

We all feel the need for wonder

We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

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Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven

All the times I thought to reach up

All the times I had to give

Babies underneath their beds

Hospitals that cannot treat

all the wounds that money causes,

All the comforts of cathedrals

All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance

All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

.

Oh my God

Oh my God

Oh my God

.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peuV6-lDJzQ

The Ivory Carving

This is a cool illustration that I found in a book, that I thought some of you might enjoy. I know one of my future readers already knows about it though. The context is this guy and his sister are talking about why she has been cold to her dad after he remarried…

She turned away from the computer and, looking straight at me, said the strangest thing. “Connor, suppose for this Christmas I give you something very beautiful- say, a beautiful ivory carving.”
“I wouldn’t mind,” I said.
“This gift has been made with care and given to you to keep forever. It is intricately and deeply carved. There are no rough edges. All of it is polished, and all of it is pure ivory.”
“What would be wrong with that?”
“Nothing would be wrong with it if it came with instructions and a warning.”
“What instructions?” “That it must be oiled now and then or it will get brittle, and little pieces will break off.”
“And what’s the warning?”
“That ivory is a living organism, so it is bound to change as it ages. Ivory darkens. A day comes when you have to put this beautiful thing away. So not knowing about maintenance and aging, you put it in a drawer and close the drawer. Time goes by, and the gift giver wants to see his gift. So you take it out of the drawer, and both of you are surprised that it isn’t what it was. It doesn’t look the same. Without maintenance, delicate pieces have broken off, and some of the places where the carving was very deep have darkened to the color of a tobacco stain. You haven’t been careless; you have just never been warned about the changes that happen with time, and you haven’t been taught proper maintenance. But you know one thing- you are never going to put this gift on display again.”
Margaret and I looked at each other. “You’re talking about love, aren’t you?”

E. L. Konigsburg
Silent to the Bone

It's raining now...

this is another miscellaneous story that i wrote when it was raining really hard and Lucy was spasing out...

“It’s raining now,” I said to no one in particular. The house had been empty since early this morning, and I was beginning to wish I had someone to talk to. That brought me back to earlier this morning, when I became so hopelessly bored that I started talking to my pencils. Well, I wasn’t exactly talking to them, I was making a sort of skit. The dumber the funnier, I always say, so it was getting pretty hectic by the time I noticed about three people gaping at me. Now, over six hours later, I was missing my devoted, if not slightly amused audience. I was yanked back to the present when an excruciatingly loud clap of thunder, interrupted my reminiscing. I drummed my fingers on my extended knee, while I tried to drift back into retrospect mood once again. This time it was Max, my husky-poodle mix that woke me, when he darted under my chair, nearly knocking me over due to his failure to recognize his larger-than-average body size. It became apparent that trying to reach a state of subconsciousness was virtually impossible at this point, due to the fact that my chair had mysteriously started to vibrate, and a large puddle of drool was slowly accumulating directly under me. I resentfully rendered my throne of three hours to the terror-infested pile of fur that I had previously mistaken as a dog. You see, according to early civilization observation, a dog is supposed to be a loyal and protective friend. Staring down now at my sad excuse of a dog, with his pointy ears and curly hair, his dainty paws and steel-blue eyes now shut tightly to ward away any unwanted natural occurrence, I was reminded, once again of how much I love him. Such a visually odd looking creature had obviously been made just for me.

im not parenting!

RRRRRrrrrrggghhhhh!!! J.N. is often snotty to J.S. and M.S., and as a last resort they usually ask me to tell her to stop. of course she stops immediately. so i assumed that they were silently wanting me to ask her to be quiet sooner. my mistake i geuss. i tried telling her to stop before my help was acquired during one particularly ugly battle, and got to told to stop parenting! i wasnt even saying anything to J.S. or M.S., and they got mad at me for parenting journey! i was trying to save her some pain. she doesnt know that every word you say to macy (even just around her) makes her hate you more. aaahhhggg!

random trivia

44% of the elderly in Kentucky have no teeth

The term Luddite is based on a mythical character named Ned Ludd in George Pellew's The Life of Lord Sidmouth (1847). Ned Ludd was a Leicestershire villager of the late 1700s who, in a fit of insane rage, rushed into a stocking weaver's house and destroyed his equipment. With the onset of the Information Age, Luddite gained a broader sense describing anyone who shuns new technology.

Clans of long ago that wished to rid themselves of people without killing them used to burn the offending parties' houses down. Hence the expression "to get fired".

In 1945, a computer at Harvard malfunctioned. Grace Hopper, who was working on the computer, found a moth in one of the circuits and removed it. Ever since, when something goes wrong with a computer, it is said to have a bug in it.

WORDS!!!

Turophile - a connoisseur of cheese; a cheese fancier.
Troglodyte - 1. a member of a primitive people dwelling in caves. 2. a person resembling a troglodyte (as in reclusive habits or reactionary attitudes).
Triradius - (Physical Anthropol.) a Y-shaped group of ridges on the palm of the hand at the base of each finger.
Tarantism - n. - a dancing mania or malady of late medieval Europe.
Tacit - 1. understood without being openly expressed; implied. 2. silent, saying nothing. 3. unvoiced or unspoken.
Synesis - (Gram) a construction in which an expected grammatical agreement in form is replaced by an agreement in meaning.
Synechia - (Med Pathol.) any adhesion of parts of the body, as of the iris to the cornea.
Sycophant - a servile, self-seeking flatterer; fawning parasite.

the grinch says: stop talking!

The grinch has several defense tactics. anything i say that she doesnt like (which is just about everything), she has discovered easy ways to shut me up. one of her favorites is "stop talking," which translates to "shut up." I can barely even open my mouth before she says "stop talking!"; most of the time im not even talking to her. Another more common one is "your so obnoxious!" and "i really dont like you," which translate to "i hate you." shes adopted new phrases just within the last week- "you think you know everything," and "your so bossy!" it makes her sound like the little sister. i know they are all signs of weakness, but that doesn't make them hurt any less.

desensitized by the grinch

I just now realized how cold it made me to share a room with my older sister. Living in fear of making her mad everyday, has made me mean (to say the least) to my new roomate. Its confuzing to have someone who wants a relationship with you, where before, I was the one forcing the relationship onto my sister. Its going to take a lot to learn how to act normally again, instead of having a safegaurd up all the time. I must say, she is very forgiving, though.